Stay At Home Mom: An Unnerving and Extraordinary Journey
I am so excited to bring you My Motherhood Style Series! Over the next few weeks, I will be posting pieces from moms describing their motherhood style. We'll explore what it's like firsthand to be a stay at home mom (SAHM), a working mom, and somewhere in between.
I have been thinking of doing a series like this for a while. I think it's so important. I've seen the worst thing; judgement. Can you believe it? Their are moms out there who judge other moms. I know, I know, this is just terrible, but it happens. And I don't like it. Let me tell you why.
Every mom has to figure out what is best for her and her family. What is good for one family might not work for another.
Maybe what you think your style is going to be doesn't feel right to you after a bit and you decide to try something else. Regardless of your reason, you don't have to defend your choices to anyone.
The other great thing about this series is what it might bring to the moms-to-be. Maybe you are on the fence and want to hear what a day in the life is really like. Maybe you have some worries, concerns, or perhaps you have no idea what it is really going to be like. My daughter is with me unless I'm at a birth, so, I guess I can call myself a working SAHM. Let me tell you, I had no idea what being a SAHM was going to be like, but I knew it's what I wanted to do.
The most important thing to remember is your style is fantastic and the reason why is being a mom isn't easy! Whether you're a stay at home mom, a working mom, or somewhere in between, finding a balance is really hard. You are constantly wearing multiple hats and we really need to honor our efforts to keep everyone fed, smiling and still take care of ourselves. Way to go moms! You're doing great!
Without further ado, here is the perspective of a stay at home. This piece hit home, and made me have all the feels. Thank you, Hayley for sharing! Also, Hayley has recently started her own blog about her crew, and the link to her blog is below her story.
Lots of love,
~Desirae
SAHM: An Unnerving and Extraordinary Journey
By Hayley Gerda Two Chicks and a Baby
At least three times a day the following thoughts go through my head:
• Am I being the best mother I can be?
• Do I make every day about the development and wellbeing of my child?
• Am I holding my weight as far as contributing to my family?
• Does my child see, and more importantly, feel my love every minute of every day?
• Am I making the right parenting choices?
• Am I being a good partner?
• Is the financial burden worth not sending my child to daycare?
• Am I making the right decision for my family?
• When is the right time to shower?... Should I shower? Do I NEED to?
And then I see her smile. Her gleaming, beaming, worth a million dollars and then some smile. I am enamored with this little ball of light I helped bring into this world. I'm completely floored by almost every single choice she makes in her tiny existence. I think about its worth to me... I wonder if she'd receive the same kind of love in daycare. I then again wonder if she's getting the exposure needed for social development when I selfishly hoard my time with her, partly out of love, partly out of pure exhaustion at the thought of managing to physically pull myself together enough to make it to a meeting out with a friend and not feel the need to constantly make excuses for my permanently-exhausted-mom appearance.
My baby doesn't judge me... and I'm pretty sure my partner doesn't either, although it's almost impossible to squash those crushing questions when they roll around from time to time.
Am I still sexy? I know what I do for my family, the sacrifices I've made and how I try my best to keep the house together... but is it enough? Is it enough to keep my family together?
I'm lucky.
Lucky that the person I fell in love with still professes their love to me on a regular basis and reassures me that seeing the love between me and our child is the most appealing thing they have ever laid eyes on, but sometimes I can't help but wonder... it is REALLY?
How would I feel if I were in their shoes? Would I feel resentment that I completed a full day at work only to have the baby thrust on me shortly after walking in the door only to see my partner retreat to the bathroom for a little unencumbered "me time"? I feel justified. I feel like I should get, at least, a few minutes to breathe in peace.
I know I get them intermittently throughout the day, when my beautiful little girl is completely content playing with a toy or (much to my enthusiasm) actually going down for a nap in her own bed, but during the day, in those moments of peace, I feel the need to succeed. "Succeed" by doing some cleaning, or switching over some laundry, or cleaning the floors I all too often find myself staring at eye level thinking "how the f*** did this get so dirty so fast??".
I'm lucky.
On days when my partner comes home and nothing was accomplished, she tells me she understands, she tells me she has no preconceived notion of what life should look like after the day-to-day with an almost 6 month old... but to a point, I still feel like a failure. And even on the days I feel justified in my exhaustion, I see the mess in the house beginning to pile up and remind me that my work will never be done.
I feel like I'm always trying to weigh self-care, home-care, and child-care. Child care always takes precedence, home-care comes next, and self-care is easier said than done. I've never excelled at self-care, but I know that it is a vital part of being a good mother, at least for the long term...
Baby is down for a nap as I attempt to write this. I check the monitor compulsively to make sure she's breathing, and then I second guess myself. I always second guess it. I have to look at something that isn't moving and then dart my eyes back to her to make sure I can differentiate between the two. I see her breathing, but still, it isn't enough. I have to go check in person and pray I don't wake her up.
She's breathing, but it's just a matter of time before I have to check again. Her well-being, her everything, is in my hands every single day.
I pour over mom blogs making sure I'm doing everything we're supposed to be doing at this stage. We spend plenty of time working on motor-skills and reflexes, I talk to her, constantly, to engage her. I tell other moms and read constantly that every child moves at their own pace, but I feel as though if my baby falls too much behind in any category that deep down I'll feel that it's no one's fault but my own.
This is motherhood, right? Second-guessing yourself to the point of insanity?
We laugh it off... or at least I try to. I tell expectant friends "get used to it! Pretty sure this is it for the rest of our lives!" and I believe it, because my own parents have voiced those feelings to me and it does seem to never go away... bearing the weight of a child's decisions as something you hold the sole responsibility over.
When Desirae reached out asking for a SAHM guest-blogger I reached out because I felt like I wanted to share my experience, but I wasn't sure why. I know for certain that I didn't imagine the entire piece going in this direction, or feeling this way, but when I sat down to write that's what came.
I feel like I haven't touched on the overwhelming pride. The light you feel at your center-most point that beams out every single time your child does something extraordinary (that to most would seem completely ordinary).
• Look! She's grasping things in a different way, using her pointer finger instead of her whole hand.
• Today she rolled over the other direction! No, I know it seems like that isn't a big deal, but she's only ever gone right to left, and this is HUGE! It's a new world for her!
• She turned when I said her name. I tested her and said random TV character names, the dog's name, and all our immediately family, and she only turned around to look when I said hers!
• She sat upright for more than 10 seconds on her own, not even leaning forward!
I think being a stay at home mom is completely unnerving. It gives us entirely too much time to ourselves to scrutinize not only our every move, but our every motivation. That being said... we get the chance to experience every single tiny victory in our baby's life.
The things most people shrug-off.
The things even those closest to us probably think "so what?' to, but WE know, and we fully understand the insane process going on in our babies bodies. We are completely amazed and enamored that they finally learned to pivot clockwise or counter-clockwise. We have countless hours to watch the gears spin in their minds as they begin to process their surroundings.
We have been given the greatest gift- the gift of watching who the person we love most in this world is becoming.
I look at my parents and well up with tears imagining how much love they must have for me, how much their heart must have broken to watch me stumble and willingly make wrong decisions throughout the course of my life. How insane they must feel seeing another branch of our family tree beginning to form....
I can't yet quite wrap my brain around the growing magnitude of love I'll have for this tiny miracle as each day passes, but I can say one thing for certain, and it's that I count myself extremely fortunate to have to opportunity to watch these first few months move in slow motion.
I cried through most of this, so I'm sure there are typos, but to all my stay at home Mammas out there, please know you are valued, and your commitment and sacrifices are worth it. We are fortunate enough to be privy to the innermost workings of our children's minds, and we can't take a single moment for granted.