My Best Decision; Full-Time Student Mum
Let me say this; I will be so sad when My Motherhood Style series comes to a end. I have really enjoyed learning about other mothers styles of parenting. For me, it's sort of one of those "I told you so" moments, the one's you LIVE for with your partner! What I mean by I told you so is, I always say you have to do what works for you. Own it, don't feel like you have to explain what you do, or the choices you make to anyone. We make the decisions we do, the lifestyle choices we make, the work style we do, because we feel it's whats in the best interest of our babies, our families, and ultimately ourselves. Usually in that order.
I love this weeks blog, and international guest blogger. Being a full time student is hard. I remember those days. Being a mom is hard. Getting ready to be a mum to two under two is really hard. What does that look like when you're all of those things? Chloé does a beautiful job of sharing a bit of her Motherhood Style with us this week.
~ Desirae
My Best Decision; Full-Time Student Mum
by Chloé
I am a full-time funded PhD student, a trained lecturer, a wife, a mother of one and soon-to-be a mother of two under two (due on Valentine’s Day).
As long as I remember, children were always a part of my future. I wanted two, and I wanted them in my late twenties, and most of all, I wanted to have a job that would allow me to spend time with them. While I do not see myself as a career person, I have never considered being a stay-at-home mum and I am aspiring to one day find a career that I can be passionate about. As we all know, life cannot be planned to the year, let alone the minute, but sometimes, things just naturally fall into place. The other thing that was always part of my future was a PhD. I always knew I wanted one, call it a not-so-usual childhood dream. I wanted to be a Doctor like Indiana Jones. Then, much later, I had this funny idea that maybe I could study for my PhD in England – I am French and I was working as a French teaching assistant while studying for my Masters long-distance. The dream became a nag, became a possibility, became reality, and there I was, freshly moved in with my boyfriend of two years, beginning a funded PhD and thinking about getting engaged and having children.
It soon became clear that we were ready and I just knew that the course of my PhD was the right time to have children. Now, I know that this sounds odd. I could affect my studies and my future career and I was still young (23 years old when I got pregnant with my son, despite my initial dream to wait until my late twenties). I could have waited. There are, I am sure, plenty of jobs that, despite generally poor maternity leave policies in England, offer relatively decent leaves and career opportunities for mothers. Here is the thing. There are plenty of reasons why it was the right decision in the end, and I will talk about them, but mainly, like I said before, things just fell into place. We were engaged, we were ready and it all felt absolutely right. Practically speaking, I was entitled to a 6-month paid maternity leave on full funding and government maternity allowance. I was also entitled to a further unpaid 6-month leave, which I did not take. My husband is much older than me, so waiting any longer could have been a problem. I could also have my children – or at least one – before beginning my career, thus not having to interrupt my future career path. As a funded student, I am paid to stay home, not much, but enough to make ends meet. In short, I would be privileged to be paid to spend time with my children in their first years.
In the end, there were bumps along the way, and they are important to mention. Sometimes, the most logical, obvious, beautiful decision can also not be so perfect. While we had no issues conceiving and I became pregnant on our second cycle trying, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, which strongly affected my mental health. Fortunately, I was able to have it recorded with my university. I then became pregnant on our first try post methotrexate treatment, but I had a difficult pregnancy. I was severely sick for four-five months, then I developed postural tachycardia which led to constantly feeling faint and completely fainting multiple times whenever I would make a physical effort. It culminated in not even being able to walk. Unfortunately, I am also extremely stubborn and forced myself to walk, stopping every minute to fight off a fainting episode. When I fainted while driving, narrowly managing to stop the car safely and ask my poor passenger husband to call an ambulance, I should have known it was time to stop working, but I continued for a few weeks until I decided enough was enough. Following an argument with my line manager over the university’s refusal to allow me to park in the staff car park to avoid walking up a high footbridge and being asked to do extra permanence hours, I asked for a sick note and followed on with my maternity leave at 26 weeks, the earliest legally allowed. I did not however start my PhD maternity leave until I was 37 weeks and continued working at home. Unfortunately, while I still managed to work hard, there were issues with my supervisor and my leave started in an extremely stressful manner. I had failed an exam and had 6 months to take it again following my return from leave.
I put on 20 kilos in pregnancy and developed severe water retention in my last weeks. I gave birth to my son at 42 weeks, 2 days, following a long traumatic induction, failed forceps trial and an emergency C-section. My plans to work during my maternity leave went out the window as I became a mother with PTSD, postnatal anxiety, breastfeeding difficulties and a baby with Cow’s Milk Protein Allergy and reflux.
When things finally settled, it was time to return to university and prioritise my work while trying to be myself again, which included becoming physically fit and healthy again. And I must say it now, I could not have done it and remained sane without a proper support system. My husband is an actor and he spend a lot of time at home. Our son is his third child, having already raised two children from another relationship into adulthood. He was my rock, my voice of reason, my best friend, my supporter and so much more, but he is also an amazing father.
Without his willingness to become the main childcare provider, we would never have been able to afford to childcare I needed and still need to write my PhD.
We manage to send our son to childminder’s once a week to relieve my husband (or myself when he is touring) and give our little boy the chance to socialise with other children, but any more time at this stage would become more difficult. I have also had to let go of some hobbies, although I try to draw when I can and exercise several times to week for balance’s sake, and make sure we have at least one family day a week and some couple time in the evening. I think it is essential.
I have found returning to PhD life difficult, sometimes believing I made a mistake, but I did not give up and I passed my exam. I was denied a teaching job, being told I needed to focus on my my PhD, but I know that the real reason was my being a mother. I had had several hats before, I knew I could work, but the world does not always see it this way.
I can however honestly say that being a mother has made me more focused, more intelligent, more sensitive and more efficient. I credit my husband for my time. I credit myself for my hard work. I credit motherhood for giving me the strength and organisation to pass my exam. I began my PhD for myself only, I continue it for my family.
When my son turned 13 months old, I knew that the time was right to give him a sibling. Still young, at 25 years old, scarred from his birth, having lost 22 kilos but still forever changed physically and mentally, knowing the hard work ahead, I knew that I could do it.
I could be Chloé and I could be a mother of two and a wife and I could be a badass modern time female Indiana Jones in my own way.
Our second try was successful and here I am, now over 9 weeks pregnant, confident and yet knowing so much more than I did before. I know about miscarriage and sickness and fainting and traumatic births. I also know to stop and listen to my little voice that says it will be okay. Some might rightly say that becoming pregnant knowing all this is just a choice, I say it still makes me brave. It makes anyone brave.
In fact, becoming pregnant is brave, whether you know nothing or know everything, because no matter how beautiful, it is terrifying. You will be forever changed.
It will be hard and it will be beautiful and you cannot even grasp how much all of that will be true, even if it is your sixth child.
Being pregnant with a toddler is not easy, and again, I do not believe I could do it without support, not in a way that would enable me to remain a patient mother. Despite dreading sickness, I have hardly been nauseous this time around, and I have seen my baby twice, each time showing all signs of a healthy little one. I have carried on exercising as best as I could and in a way that is respectful to my body. I eat better too. Yet, I have been more tired than ever before, so I have needed to lie in often. I have needed to go to scans alone as they do not allow children, but my husband still came and walked around the hospital with our son so I would know he is with me no matter what. I have needed to work around episodes of tiredness, which means my husband has to do a lot on his own. I help when I can and I look after my son as much as I can. He is loved and balanced. He is incredibly smart, funny and kind and I know that those years of compromises are good for our family. I also know that such is life and we are incredibly lucky to be both home. I get paid to study from home, which is incredible. All I need is an office. I can make my own hours. I get to be more organised because I do not really have a choice. It is perfect while my children are young.
I hope the future confirms I made the right choices. I have little doubt it will. I shall take another maternity leave in February and finish revising my PhD when I return. I know my mind and I know how I will birth and feed this new baby. Everything else, I shall allow myself to experience as it happens. I shall also be helped by a wonderful post-natal doula, which I am very excited about! I can only recommend looking into post-natal doulas. If you can afford it, I strongly believe it will be invaluable help! If you cannot afford it, there are funds in the UK to help subsidise women, and I am sure, in other countries as well (Desirae can advise better than I can). Whenever I feel down and discouraged, I remember the photo of this lady on Instagram who graduated from her PhD with a toddler and a newborn in her arms. I imagine myself wearing that gown, my son and new baby by my side and my husband looking at me with pride and I know that this is what is meant to be.
I began this path imagining myself holding my degree with pride, but how much more beautiful will it be to be doing it with my children?
Children do not prevent you from following your dreams as an individual. And you do not need to have them to be driven either. But I am telling you, with love and support, having a family can be both a dream and the strongest drive to be the best version of yourself and achieve your dreams. But remember that it is okay and does not diminish your strength and worth to ask for support. I do believe it is possible to do it all alone, but I doubt the chances of remaining mentally healthy are high.