Momming in the Working World
It's week 3 of My Motherhood Style, and the feedback has been fantastic. This week we have another piece written by a working mother, Colleen. I love how Colleen talks about reclaiming your identity- other than "Mom". I already feel like I will soon be "Ingrid's mom" and not Desirae. Colleen does a beautiful job talking about how she wears more than one stylish hat.
Enjoy!
~ Desirae
Momming in the Working World
By Colleen
I remember when I was 6 or so months pregnant, and someone at work asked me when I would start transitioning my responsibilities as I prepared to leave the work force…
[PAUSE--Now, let me preface the rest of this story & guest blog with the fact that being a working mother is what works for our family, and what we’ve chosen to do. It does not mean that I disagree with any other structure that works for other families—Stay at home mom/dad, work from home mom/ dad, part time, etc…as long as it works for you and your family, that’s all that matters.
And while it hasn’t been without its tears, emotional outbursts, or downright exhausting moments, here is why this works for us…UNPAUSE]
…this individual went on to tell me that children just thrive better when the woman stays at home. And, yes, children thrive when they have interaction with adults, other children, and different environments. But, unfortunately, my corporate job doesn’t really let me strap my kid on my back while I’m rocking my 4” stiletto pumps, my 2 piece navy suit, and hosting meetings amongst senior level executives across the financial industry…but that’s not the point.
The point is that we knew before we had kids, and before we even got engaged, and subsequently married, that we planned to keep our work lives the same.
You see, I’ve always known that I would not be my best self if I didn’t have a somewhat-corporate job. I’ve always loved the “glitz and glamour” that involves the high heels (even if I do complain that my feet hurt at the end of the day) and rocking my “Olivia Pope” outfits (except St. Louis isn’t exactly Washington D.C.). And I’ve always felt that I would be doing myself and my child a disservice if we stayed home together because I wouldn’t be stimulated enough to really be PRESENT. And thus, “working mom life” is all I ever planned to know.
My pregnancy in and of itself was a non-event in the sense that I was comfortable (mostly), and glowing (or was it sweating?) during the majority of it. I somehow managed to study for and pass 2 industry examinations during the course of my pregnancy with the amazing support of a boss that encouraged me and respected those days where I just needed to study from bed (i.e. Watch Friends, binge on Panera, and maybe open my study materials). And just 5 days after passing the second exam, my daughter was born on October 1st…reminding us all that it’s all about her, and no longer about me.
I was fortunate enough for my job to provide 16 weeks of fully compensated parental leave, and because my husband works for the same company, he got 4 weeks himself! Everything seemed like a dream. And for the most part it was.
Despite the fact that my daughter was super small (and still is to this day), she nursed well, napped well, and started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks. She rolled over, giggled, smiled, and coo’d. She took a bottle, took the boob, loved car rides, and loves her extended family. She loved shopping with mom and she loved puppy kisses.
But, what I didn’t love was being home. I was stir-crazy. I felt cooped up and frustrated at my lack of independence and struggled to re-find my own identity as an individual, because that includes more than just my newly claimed “Mom” title.
Yes, we went everywhere despite the fact that it was winter: restaurants, stores, malls, people’s houses, my own work to visit my co-workers! And, after 16 weeks off, I put on my new work clothes (hello, baby weight!), packed my Spectra pump and all that goes with it, and strutted into the office ready to get back into my working groove.
At this point, I had been in my job for 3.5 years, and there was not much of a challenge anymore. My boss was amazing and constantly made sure to check in that I was getting enough time for pumping, felt emotionally supported, and was adjusting back to the work environment well. But, I was ready to figure out what the next step in my career was. And when my kiddo was almost 10 months old, I started a DREAM JOB in a whole new department, with all new people, and an entirely new challenge.
Now, we all know that things can’t be perfect everywhere. And since they were going well at the office, that obviously means that something wasn’t right somewhere else. During this time my nursing & pumping journey came to an end and our childcare situation was definitely giving me heartburn. We are lucky that both sets of parents live within 2 miles of us, and we worked out a schedule that included both grandparents and an in-home daycare in the neighborhood. It was important to us to not take advantage of the grandparents generosity, but also make sure that Millie had interaction with other children and learned from them. But, sometimes grandparents forget that they aren’t just playing with your kid for the day, and sending them home. They just didn’t fully respect the schedule, or your requests.
And oftentimes that meant we picked up an extremely cranky, irritable, exhausted baby leaving the 90-120 minutes we got with her before bedtime as downright miserable. It made me question if we did the right thing…was she in the right environment?
Did we need to have some more frank conversations with the grandparents about it? Was there something else that I was missing because I was too caught up in my new job and I wasn’t giving her enough attention?!
I cried A LOT
…change is always hard, but I truly questioned initially if I had made the right move because of the ways that it was changing our routine and structure… and responsibilities of the new job meant that I missing out on things at home—I often had early meetings, or work dinners that meant missing the morning routine, or not getting home until after bedtime. But my husband was amazing and flexible every day and eventually we got into a better groove. My new boss, a working mother of 2 children, has this way of leading and coaching that’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before- you don’t even realize you’re being taught something, and the way she helps you think big picture & learn is just amazing. I learned that sometimes a day off doesn’t have to just be for vacation- I can take a day to spend time with my daughter and we can explore this whole world together again!
However, it constantly surprises me that others question how I’m in my job and have a child at home. For example, on one work trip I mentioned I had a 1.5 year old, and a man said to me, “And you are still working?”, or the other who said, “Well, who is taking care of her while you’re here? Your parents?”…YES, I AM STILL WORKING, and HER FATHER IS PARENTING HER! I could not have gone through a job change, or even this parenthood journey without the amazing support of my husband. We truly approach everything as a partnership, and there is a lot of give and take with both of our careers to make it work—but we do it because this is what works for us.
I’ve taken 3 work trips since coming back from maternity leave, and each trip has reminded me that I’ve found my reason for being, and that’s my daughter. But what I’ve also re-found is an additional sense of purpose in what I do at work that isn’t explicitly for her. And beyond that, how amazing is it that I can be a role model for her in terms of reaching for my dreams and pursuing success so that she knows she will always have me there supporting her in all of her endeavors?
Alright, time to change into a different pair of shoes!