Can I ask a question?

It makes me laugh to type that. A little back story. Before I was a doula, I worked as a Lean Six Sigma Black Belt (not karate related at all) for an insurance company. During a project we had a cartoon drawn of us, along with our catch phrases. Next to my picture, it said “Can I ask a question”?

I don’t know why I always preface a question with that question. My husband always reminds me that I just did, every single time I say it. Maybe it’s because I have an underlying fear of asking a stupid question. Maybe I doubt myself when I shouldn’t. Either way, I think we all have questions we are afraid to ask.

Allow me to go off topic for second. I have a mega mom crush. No, not even mom crush, a human crush. If you follow my Instagram account @harmonybirths, if you’ve been one of my clients, or allowed me to speak to you for more than 5 minutes, I’ve talked to you about my friend, Alexis. Alexis Barad-Cutler is literally everything I admire in a woman. First off, she’s real. I mean really real. No bullshit with her. Secondly, she’s funny. Besides that, she’s really intelligent, insightful, thoughtful, and talented. Besides being a powerful and gifted writer, she’s also an aerial goddess. Oh, and she’s gorgeous. But that is beside the point because when I look at her I don’t know if it’s her inner or outer beauty that is blinding me. Ok, sorry. (See I was crushing).

Alexis is the founder of Not Safe For Mom Group (nsfmg). What is this amazing thing you ask?

I see (nsfmg) as a judgement-free, talk about anything (I mean anything) related to being a mom or wanting-to-be “moms club”.

It is a safe digital space to talk about things you might not be comfortable talking about to your partner, friends, or other moms that appear to have all their shit together while you feel like you’re barely surviving. Topics are posted anonymously and other group members can anonymously offer their perspective, offer support, or contribute to current conversations. You can also just listen and learn. Alexis very skillfully and tactfully moderates the conversations.

Alexis and I after an event in February, 2020

(nsfmg) helped me. It helped me so much.

I was getting mom-shamed hard. Mom-shamed to tears.

Guess who was the jerk doing that mom-shaming.

It was me.

I was mom-shaming myself for all anything and everything. I kept comparing. After attending one of her events in the city, Alexis and I connected immediately. She and (nsfmg) are everything I feel so strongly and advocate for; an honest voice that is not judged, rather supported.

Alexis has continued to tackle hard, taboo, and scary topics. Topics like COVID.

COVID-19 and being pregnant

I’ve been trying to keep my clients, friends and family up to speed with information and reliable resources. (nsfmg) has been having Moms Anonymous Virtual Chats. On April 29th, (nsfmg) had a webinar titled: Everything You Want to Know About Pregnancy and COVID but Were Afraid to Ask.

I love the questions and answers on this webinar. This webinar is for the cartoon Desirae. The “Can I ask a question” folks that maybe are a little worried to ask. There are questions my clients have asked me, and I know some others are most likely thinking about. Have a watch by clicking the link above.

I know, this post is unorganized. I’m talking about multiple topics but honestly there is one overarching theme; support. During this time (quarantine, pregnancy, infertility, motherhood), we can feel isolated, unsure, and misunderstandood. What I want you to take away from this post is, it’s ok. Even if you’re not ok, that’s ok too. You are never alone. We have a beautiful gift among us. That gift is community and an even larger virtual community. The thing is, we need more Alexis Barad-Cutlers in the world. We need more people to stand up and normalize motherhood. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Because the truth is if we normalize these hard to talk bout topics, they won’t be so hard to talk about, and thus no more ugly. There are lots of people and groups who are ready to listen, offer conversation, or answer your questions. We’re all doing our best, so let’s lean in and acknowledge our feelings and do it with likeminded people by our (virtual) side.

I am always here for any of your questions, or concerns. If you just need to talk, drop me an email. We’ll get through all of this together.

-Desirae

I Have a Question, Mom Crush & Mom-shame, and COVID: A Potpourri Post