By Janna Asquith

Going into my first delivery with my son, Luke, I didn’t know what to expect. Things ended up being more traumatic than I could have imagined, only compounded by him being unexpectedly taken to NICU shortly after birth and me being discharged without him.

When I speak about that delivery experience, I use words and phrases like fear, pain, out of control, tense, and sick.

I had always wanted two children, but after that experience, I wasn’t sure how I could ever do it again. I was truly traumatized. Eventually I began to feel ready, but knew things needed to be different, if that was possible.

I had read plenty of positive birth stories. Were they just different kinds of women?

…Women who didn’t suffer from anxiety? Women who weren’t afraid? Women who had the highest tolerance for pain? Maybe I just wasn’t capable of one of those positive birth stories because I am not one of those women?

I reached out to Birth Tribe where I was able to meet with a few different doulas to see if one was a good fit for me. Within about 30 seconds of speaking to Desirae I knew she was my (birth) person. She understood my traumatic birth experience. She understood my previous pregnancy loss. She understood my anxiety and fear. She also loves spreadsheets and checklists. If you know me, then you know I love them too. Desirae made me feel like I could have one of those stories.

As my due date approached I grew nervous. My medical team wanted to induce me because of a medication I was on. I had never been through induction. I didn’t know what to expect. What if my body didn’t respond? What if it was even more painful than my unmedicated contractions?

What if I lost control again and spiraled into anxiety and pain and fear?

The night before my induction appointment I was so anxious I was making myself physically sick. I ended up getting bumped because there weren’t delivery rooms available, but I felt so sick my midwife had me come in for a check (and Covid test) anyways. I remember the nurse telling me that my test was negative.

I don’t remember anything after that.

I’ve been told that I asked a nurse to use the bathroom. I told her that I didn’t feel right. Then my eyes glazed over in a blank stare, my arms rose in front of me like a mummy in a movie, my entire body went stiff, and I started seizing. The seizure lasted about two minutes. I dislocated my jaw, strained my rotator cuff, and did a real number on the muscles in my upper back. I was admitted and the tests began. CT, EEG, MRI, and constant bloodwork while on fluid restriction, until my hands and arms were so bruised they were taking blood from my feet.

Everything came back normal, so they said “let’s have a baby.” 😳😳😳 This did not seem like the start of my positive birth story, but I didn’t have a lot of options. I was now 39 weeks and 2 days and the risks of letting me go into labor spontaneously were higher than a controlled induction. So on Thursday evening, August 26th Desirae came to the hospital and did a fear release exercise with me. Then the midwife on call placed a cook balloon and told me to go to bed.

I woke up in the morning to a nurse telling me we were first in line for labor and delivery. They told me I’d be moved from the Maternal Special Care Unit where I’d spent the previous few days to a delivery room where we’d start Pitocin.

I don’t know if you know this, because I didn’t, but you don’t have to say yes to Pitocin for induction.

My midwife gave me the option to follow a pumping protocol instead. Pumping releases your body’s own oxytocin. (Pitocin is a synthetic form of oxytocin.) So they brought in a pump and said I should pump off and on for an hour and see how my body responded. I was already 5 cm and having some light contractions before starting.

Before my hour of pumping was up, a nurse came in and told me I needed to stop because my contractions were less than 2 min apart and the baby was showing slight signs of stress. The pumping had been more than enough. I was now in full labor and didn’t need any Pitocin.

Did you also know you can bring things to make your delivery room more comfortable?

My first delivery felt so medical with the bright lights and noise and people. This time was completely different. I had the lights off, set up a galaxy projector on the ceiling, had battery tea light candles, and played calming spa music.

As the kids would say, my room was a whole vibe.

I didn’t feel like I was in a hospital, and that was enormously helpful for my anxiety. As I worked through the contractions after pumping, I felt a sense of power I never felt in my first delivery. I did my hypnobirthing breathing and recited my birth affirmations. With each contraction I controlled with my breathing I remember thinking “oh my God, I’m actually doing this!”

I never had time for an epidural with Luke, but decided that I wanted one this time if I started to feel out of control again. At 7 cm my midwife wanted to break my water. She and Desirae felt that once my water broke we’d be having a baby very quickly.

The speed of my delivery with Luke was what caused a lot of my fear and anxiety, so I started to panic at the mention of this process speeding up even more. I asked for an epidural. Desirae voiced that the baby might make their appearance before the epidural could offer relief, but I didn’t care. It was mental at that point. I needed it. They called in the anesthesiologist who placed the epidural and told me it would take about 20 min to take effect. The nurses said I should roll onto my back, and as I did, POP. My water broke… more like exploded. Desirae was right, of course. A quick check confirmed what I could already feel. There wasn’t time for the epidural to take effect.

As soon as I started pushing I could feel the baby moving down. On the fifth or sixth push my midwife guided my hands and said “help me deliver your baby,” and I pulled my baby from my body. Then she said “put her right down on you.” I didn’t even notice, but my husband Erik didn’t skip a beat. “IT’S A HER?” he asked. My midwife responded, “congratulations, it’s a her.

I could not believe it. I had been so sure it was a boy. At my anatomy scan at 20 weeks the ultrasound tech had seen brightness on the kidneys and asked an MFM OB to come check. That OB kept saying “he” and “his” and I was sure she had spoiled the surprise. So while I told everyone all along we didn’t know, I felt like I did know that it was a boy. The look on my face when they told me it was a girl is priceless. I’m thankful beyond words that Desirae captured it for me.

When I look back on my delivery with Ava, it was everything I wanted and everything I needed. It was the positive birth story I didn’t know if I was capable of having.

I felt powerful, in control. There was pain, of course, but it was manageable. I was able to relax my body and work with the contraction instead of fighting it like I did the first time.

The difference was more than just first baby versus second. It was the tools that Desirae gave me. It was being informed and knowing that this was my delivery and I could ask for what I needed and say no to anything that didn’t serve me (within reason… I would never suggest overruling medical professionals in emergency situations.)

My delivery with Ava was exactly what I needed to heal mentally and emotionally from my first delivery. It gave me a completely different outlook on birth.

In many communities, in person and online, I’ve taken part in conversations where it seems like labor can only be long, painful, scary affairs. And it’s almost like we compete for who went longest, who was most in the most pain. I wrote this story because I wanted to tell the other side. It’s not just a certain kind of woman who can have a positive birth experience. If I can do it, after the first delivery I had, and the days leading up to my second, then literally anyone can do it. I believe that.

Everything I wanted and Needed: Ava's Birth Story