All I wanted was to be pregnant, so why am I still so scared and anxious?
There is a reason working with women who are pregnant after infertility is near and dear to my heart. I was one of those women. And while not all women who are pregnant after infertility struggle with anxiety and worry during their pregnancy, I feel comfortable saying that many do.
Let’s be honest, how could you not? There is a real trauma that comes with infertility and pregnancy loss. Let’s take infertility. If you have been diagnosed with infertility, chances are you’ve had a considerable number of months where you hovered over that home pregnancy test waiting to see the “two pink lines” or the flashing word “pregnant”, and then felt such sorrow when they things didn’t show up. Then it happens again. This might be a few months for some, for others, it’s years. You seek treatment. For many, even with treatment, you still experience some setbacks and disappointments. Finally you find yourself here. You are pregnant! You’re jumping for joy, starting your registry, telling everyone you know, making your appointments… or are you?
I hear over and over from clients, friends, warriors in my support groups “I’m too scared, I just want to get to the second trimester, I just want to make it to viability, or I won’t relax until my baby is in my arms”. I said all of these things.
I’ll speak from my own experience. I was excited when our second transfer resulted in a positive pregnancy test. I was excited for about 10 minutes. Then the fear and anxiety kicked in. It was my first real pregnancy symptom. I was too afraid to exercise, I obsessed about eating the wrong things, I didn’t want to feel joy because if I did, I would be heartbroken when something happened to my baby. I became an obsessive googler. I would lie awake at night crying and praying to God to please keep this baby safe. Then the day came that I graduated from my RE to my OB, and was no longer going to have blood work done multiple times a week, ultrasounds done weekly. How the heck was I going to know my baby was ok in there? I was given a doppler from a friend and would sneak almost daily to find the heartbeat even though everyone told me it was too early. Add in two cases of bleeding, which turned out to be old blood, and I was convinced I was having a miscarriage. I debated on multiple occasions pretending I saw blood and going to the ER just to have an ultrasound done, but somehow stopped myself. Mostly, I cried in the shower where my husband wouldn’t hear me because I felt ashamed of my anxiety. I didn’t want to share it in my support groups because I knew other people were praying to be in the position I was in and I didn’t want to seem ungrateful.
Now, let’s say maybe you didn’t suffer from Infertility, but you’ve had one or multiple miscarriages. I would venture to say you have many of the same fears.
The most important thing you need to know is that you are not alone in your feelings. Your feelings are valid and they are not uncommon. Take a minute. Take a breath. Give yourself some grace. You’re doing the best you can.
I hear people say over and over again, “you really need to calm down, it’s not good for the baby." Really? Oh, I thought worrying was good for my pregnancy. We know this! How about instead we give some suggestions as to how we can do this.
Here are a few ways I have found help with these anxiety and fears. I hope this helps.
1. Be honest.
If your partner and or health care provider are asking you if you’re ok, please tell them the truth. They are asking because they want to help. I always tell people that when you visit your OB/Midwife for the first time, or anytime afterward, please share how you’re feeling emotionally. Ask them if they have many clients who have been though infertility/ loss. Let them know you might be a little more anxious than normal and to please bear with you.
2. Write.
Journal your feelings. Sometimes just seeing your thoughts down on paper help to get them out of your head is helpful. It can also help illuminate any fears that might be taking over.
3. Stay off of Google.
Seriously, this is a big one. Dr. Google is not our friend. It can make even the sanist person think they have the rarest condition. This does us no favors. If you have some sort of symptom you are concerned with, leave it to the professionals. Talk to your doctor right away. However, it’s important to stress to you to trust your intuition. Sometimes when we do feel like something is going on, we talk ourselves out of getting it checked out because we tell ourselves we are overly anxious and we are probably just overreacting due to the anxiety. Better to play it safe.
4. Take care of yourself.
Set a small goal for selfcare and hold yourself accountable. This can be a massage, a manicure or a relaxing bath. Shut all distractions off and really try to spend this time connecting to your baby. This is also a great time to look into yoga, reiki, or acupuncture. You can find some really great guided meditations or self-hypnosis tracks online or on Audible. If this works for you, I’d suggest you look into Hypnobirthing,
5. Reach out.
There are some incredible support groups out there. Believe it or not, Instagram has a huge loss/ infertility support system. Just search for #ttc #pregnancyloss #miscarriage #infertility and you’ll find many other women in your situation. Facebook also has some really great private pregnancy after infertility or loss groups.
6. Find a good therapist.
This is probably one of the most important things I can suggest. Talking to a professional who really understands these needs will arm you with the tools to get thought is tough time and help you to start to trust.
The reality is, we have to let go. It is so hard, but we can’t control what is going to happen. We have to find a way to trust our bodies to do their job. We also owe it to ourselves to try our best to enjoy our pregnancies. I promise you the 9 or so months are going to go by so fast. You’ll be holding your little one in your arms missing that big belly wishing you had just enjoyed it a tiny bit more. You’re doing great! You really are. As always, you can reach out to me with any questions. If I can’t help, I’ll make sure to direct you to someone who can!
~ Desirae