Do I really need a doula?
Photo by Suhyeon Choi on Unsplash
Want to know something funny? My own husband asked me why we needed a doula. Of course, I gave him the death stare. He was being serious; you are a doula, why do we need one? Why can’t you just doula for yourself?
Fair enough. It got me thinking though; could I just doula for myself? I thought about it for maybe 5 seconds. No way! I needed a doula. I really wanted to be present and not be thinking about managing things. Essentially, I wanted someone else to do that for us.
There are so many benefits to having a doula, but I suppose I am biased. You can read more about the benefits of having a doula in the What Is A Doula section, and you can find lots of articles about why you might want to use a doula, like this one:
“Everything You Need To Know About Doulas. If you're pregnant (or thinking about it), you may want one on your side.” by Jessica Migala. I also thought it would be great to hear from someone who used a doula herself, in her words. Read Rachael's story below!
Have a great day!
~ Desirae
Why I Chose To Have A Doula
By Rachael McMullan
With my first pregnancy I was quite naive to the entire labor and delivery process. All I knew was that I ideally would love to experience child birth fully but, was going to wing it and see what happens. Well, life certainly shows you that you can never be too prepared for the unexpected. At my routine prenatal appointment at 40weeks1day my midwife attempted to strip my membranes and my water broke. I started having contractions right away and was told to go to the hospital as this event had put me into labor. My labor quickly escalated to a place of loss of control, extreme pain and both mental and physical exhaustion. After only four hours of laboring and at only 5 cm I asked, more like demanded, an epidural and the vision I had of having my baby without medical intervention was over.
I became pregnant with our second child and knew that this time I wanted things to be different. If I had only known then how different this pregnancy would be. At a routine twelve week ultrasound we found our baby no longer had a heartbeat. My husband and I were devastated and thrusted into the dark lonely world of secondary infertility. We relentlessly chased after the dream of growing our family for months, years as we experienced more pregnancy loss and unsuccessful fertility treatment. Life surprised us again as we finally became pregnant with our rainbow baby naturally between IVF cycles. In the weeks and months that followed all testing and signs showed that this baby was here to stay but I was experiencing crippling anxiety, afraid that I would lose this baby too. At around 30 weeks pregnant I finally began to allow myself to hope that I would indeed have a healthy baby and that led me to consider a birth plan.
After all that I had endured with my secondary infertility journey I knew “winging it” was not an option. I had experienced so much heartache and loss that in turn I wanted to tangibly feel every solitary moment of laboring and delivering my rainbow baby earth side. What once was a simple vision of having a vaginal delivery without pain medication now became a deep burning desire. With that I knew I could not do that on my own. I approached my husband and said “I want to hire a birthing doula for when we have this baby.” His immediate reaction was a hard no. He wanted absolutely no one in the room but him and me. He went on to share that he wanted to experience every detail of this momentous occasion as well and felt his role of supporting me was being replaced by someone else and our privacy of experiencing this moment together was being invaded.
I understood where he was coming from. After he shared with me his views I knew even more how essential it was for both of us to have a doula. I told him I needed my husband; not as a birthing coach but, as my loving partner who also should be fully supported and experience this miraculous event with me, not for me. I shared with him my deep desire to have someone there trained to guide me through my fear and pain that every labor and delivery experience holds but also the high level of nerves I uniquely would experience that day because of my pregnancy after loss anxiety and PTSD. The doula in no way was replacing him, in fact, she would be placing him front and center as we equally experienced together the arrival of the baby we had waited so long for. He wasn’t convinced but, he saw what having the doula meant to me and reluctantly obliged.
The day finally arrived where we were going to meet our rainbow. We were being induced at 40 weeks, 2 days, and both my husband and I were anxious to see how labor and delivery would unfold. Our doula arrived shortly after Pitocin was started and was with us every step of the way. Upon entering the room her presence instantly calmed us. Her peaceful and joyous demeanor reminded my husband and me that this was indeed such an exciting time! She hung beautiful hand-painted affirmations around our hospital room making the room feel more like home and took the time to explain what her role was that day for both of us. She made us feel completely comfortable and truly was a spark of joy.
The Pitocin began to do its job and as my contractions became painful enough where I could no longer speak she applied counter pressure to my hips and back for relief. At 5 cm my water was broken by my midwife and shortly after I requested to use the tub. My doula sat at my side on the floor of the bathroom with both my husband and I for over two hours of intense contractions. She made the room beyond peaceful as she dimmed the lights, played tranquil music and positioned my husband so that he and I were facing one another. As each wave of contractions hit her guided imagery, spoken affirmations and gentle touch propelled me into a place of ultimate peace and freedom from fear in the loss of control that comes with the active and transitional phases of labor. Because of her guidance time flew by and my midwife entered saying that she can see from the baby’s monitoring that I was ready to get out of the tub and have this baby!!! I could not believe it! As I navigated my way back to my room she accompanied me every step of the way encouraging me that I was so close to meeting my rainbow. The urge to push was so strong. Arriving back in my room with in six minutes and three pushes our miracle son, Dean Gregory arrived!
Because of our doula lovingly supporting us both continuously both mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally for the next six hours, I labored without any medicinal intervention. Feeling every beautifully painful moment up until I placed our son on my chest was the most glorious and healing experience of my life. I had walked through the darkness of secondary infertility and into the light of bringing this child earth side vaginally without pain medication! That never would have been possible without having both my husband and doula by my side. Together they were the perfect team I needed to feel safe and secure in the great unknown of laboring and delivering this baby.
In the days after our son arrived my husband shared with me what a difference it was having a doula with us. He said he was so thankful I had urged us to hire her. He simply said “the pressure was off”, explaining that he was able to experience a freedom that only having a doula gave him. It allowed him the ability to feel every emotion without fear that he needed to stay in control or take care of me in ways he just wasn’t sure how throughout the labor and delivery process. Most importantly, he too fully experienced our son’s birth as an equal partner, going through all the overwhelming emotions as our son made his miraculous arrival. Having our doula gave us the support we needed to fully experience every possible moment as a couple and was such a healing experience for us both.
Even if you haven’t gone through infertility and pregnancy loss I still believe a doula is an essential part of any baby’s arrival. That also goes for the way your baby arrives earth side. Whether through vaginal delivery, C-section, using an epidural, unmedicated, pain medication or any other form, ultimately your doula is both you and your partner’s support system. She is there exclusively to serve your needs at this momentous time in your lives. I am so very glad I listened to my heart and pursued a doula as part of my birth plan. After all, life doesn’t go as planned and neither does having a baby. Having my doula there for every possible outcome gave me the strength and support I needed to make my birthing dream come true. I couldn’t feel more grateful or blessed to have had her with us.